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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
If you play any Taylor Swift song backwards you`ll hear messages from the devil, however even worse........... if you play it forwards, you`ll hear Taylor Swift
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.