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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
about love
Relationship Status: eating
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
This century is already 15% over.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.