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Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list