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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.