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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
I am hungry 25 hours a day
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!