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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking