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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.