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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?