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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Now accepting applications for partners in crime. Please read all fine print:adult language and partial nudity may be required.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there