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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”