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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!