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Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid