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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.