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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.