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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.