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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."