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Jesus is coming.... look busy
All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it