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I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Your things are terrific.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?