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My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what