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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.