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If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.