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I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Iād drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.