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They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.