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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)