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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.