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Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM