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The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
“The darndest things.” -kids
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.