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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.