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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."