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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)