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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?