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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?