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if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.