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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Long story short, I love summaries
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?