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When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted