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Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
It should really be called teethpaste.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.