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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
My house has really let itself go.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m