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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.