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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.