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How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."