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BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.