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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.