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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."