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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!