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Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
The covers of this book are too far apart.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....