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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Don`t believe everything you think.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.