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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.