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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.