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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.