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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.