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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day