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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist