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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.