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If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Soup of the day: Beer
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.