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Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.