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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.