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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will only be jingling "part" of the way this year, as usual ur patience is appreciated.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.