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In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming