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It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."