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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?