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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.