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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.