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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.