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My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.