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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
Does this floor Iām laying on make me look unmotivated?