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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.