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Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
is ready to have one too many!