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I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
If suppositories were just a bit smaller, they would be a whole lot easier to swallow...........................
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out