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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.