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Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!