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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.