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Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?