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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.