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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Please don`t hastag out loud...
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
I’m tired of things costing money.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?