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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.