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"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.