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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`