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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
My anger management class pisses me off
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!