Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.