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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.