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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!