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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.