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It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?