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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Line forms here for spankings
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!