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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!