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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...