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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.