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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
That moment when being uncool, is cool