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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.