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If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.