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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...