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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
he who laughs last thinks slow
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.