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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
drink beer ?? save water
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
This century is already 15% over.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective