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Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.