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never be afraid to wipe twice
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.