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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.