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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.