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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.