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Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
No way Iām the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.