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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.