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People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone