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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.