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Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.