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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.