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I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.