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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
drink beer ?? save water
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*