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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?