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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..