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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks