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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??