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If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...