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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.