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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.