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I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.