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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.