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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.