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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.