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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100