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The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.