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Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Life`s too short for Salad..............
We get it poets: things are like other things
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)