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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.