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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.