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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?