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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
ah Saturday, where it`s socially acceptable to drink in the morning. ;)
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|