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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....