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Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.