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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
Running behind is my cardio.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.