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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.