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If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.