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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.