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Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.