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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.