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I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?