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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.