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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Hello...
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.