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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!