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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.