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I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."