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As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
I fake my LOLs
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.