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Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.