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It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.