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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today