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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.