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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.