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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.