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The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.