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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.